the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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