hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
