So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
