Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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