we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
