After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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