I'm so fucking centered right now
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
