why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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