she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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