Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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