omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
