is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
