no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
