I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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