I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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