And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
