I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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