I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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