So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
