I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
