he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize