Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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