We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
