she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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