I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
