OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
