I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
