We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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