handjob tips. give me some.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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