im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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