Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
