You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
