My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
