Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
