she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
