Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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