We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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