Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
