I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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