If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
