i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
