so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
