I love black thongs
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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