i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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