I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
