oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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