you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
