i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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