Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I intend to get homeless drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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