I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
