This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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