The maid of honor just puked.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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