I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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