Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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