I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
