do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
