yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
