Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
