why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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